hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
