Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
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