If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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