why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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