If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
