u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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