I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
