I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
There's always time for handjobs
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
