i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
As shirtless as possible
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
