u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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