Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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