She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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