I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
