So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
