If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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