i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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