paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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