i'm signing you up for texting rehab
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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