I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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