i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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