I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
