At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
