I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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