Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
