My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
