So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
