Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
