there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
