He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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