Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If that was your dad, he is hot
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
