Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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