apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize