I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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