the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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