He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
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So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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