I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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