Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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