I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
