party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
