Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
