I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
