hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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