so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
