when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
