I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
