I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
