I'm drive I can fine osifer
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
