I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
