First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
