We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
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He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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