He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
