I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize
