I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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