That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
