So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
